These recipes mark idealistically simpler times of less expectant and regularly disappointed palates, as bland an uninventive as the nuclear family function. Shortening was a cheap substitute for butter with a shelf-life long enough to outlive its relevance. Jello was a low-carb substitute for sustenance to construct a meal around, giving way to the weirdest diet-fad of savory, vegetable-infused gelatin. The early- to mid-20th century was a puzzling time.

 

But to be fair, there’s something enchanting about these threadbare recipes that have survived in handwritten journals or newspaper clippings, stored away to carry throughout family generations to use. And there’s something to be said of their resilience (though not much); unlike car models or anything technological really, a recipe may go out of favor but neither its use nor its parts are lost in the passage of time. You can recreate all the psychedelic goodies of yesteryear to satisfy whatever sadistic needs you may have fairly readily with just pantry staples! The incredible pictures and detail on the website Vintage Recipes ignite a familiar fondness with their chicken-scratch lettering and endearing–and confusing– misspells, but the pastries themselves are somewhat concerning.

 

1. Shoo Fly Pie tastes like the worst part of pecan pie without any offsetting flavor to make it better. It’s flavored sugar in a pie crust. This one’s actually from a different vintage recipe website called Grandma’s Vintage Recipes, but it’s the only dessert on this list I’ve actually tried and it was memorable, to say the least. It’s migraine-inducingly sweet with a consistency that’s not quite pudding and not quite flan, and equal parts curds of molasses and gritty sugar-paste. It’s not hard to guess why flies were drawn to this tar trap of a pie– maybe they’re the missing piece to unlocking this dish’s flavor. On a scale of Rachel Ray to Gordon Ramsay, this one’s a solid Paula Deen.

 

2. Forgotten Dessert (honestly these names seem mysteriously compelling, but it’s becoming increasingly evident that they’re just reveling in their honesty.) I reviewed this recipe several times to make sure I was reading it correctly; unfortunately, I was. Never mind the ostentatious “overnight baking” technique for a fairly simple meringue pie–sure it’s annoyingly unnecessary but that doesn’t bother me. No, it’s the filling: raw eggs and flour. A salmonella nursery. Sure, it’s beaten to a fluffy consistency with cream and sugar, even garnished with a sprinkle of salt to temper the sweetness, but the dish is not cooked further and leaves you with two whopping health hazards. I am disturbed adults fed this to their families. I wonder if the people who sampled this dessert too became forgotten. This one does not deserve scaling.

 

3. Eagle Brand Magic Cookies, also called 5-Way Cookies but see also choose-your-own-demise adventure recipe Goosebumps style. This is one of those back-of-the-box recipes–or in this case can– on the back of a timeless brand of condensed milk. It’s fairly simple and incredibly versatile, styled as a sort of plugin and bake recipe with all the freedom accredited the branding of an eagle mascot. Normal so far, right? Possible add-ins: raisins, bran flakes, corn flakes, coconut, and nut meat. Excuse me? Nut. Meat. The meat of the nut. Meaty nut innards. Were “chopped nuts” not viable, alternative wording? Were nuts actively referred to as meat in baking? Never mind the texture of condensed milk in peanut butter is probably horrid, I can’t get over the description of meaty nuts in this recipe. On a scale of Chef Emeril to Gordon Ramsay, I give this one a pre-incarceration Martha Stewart.

 

4. Boiled Cookies–like the argument of blanched vs. boiled vs. broiled vegetables, I suppose the nuance is purely preference. I think these are referred to as stovetop cookies nowadays but I’m not entirely sure; I don’t care to mess with the chaotic energy of any cookie that isn’t baked–that goes for microwavable, cookie-in-a-cup recipes too. Yes, this is a callout post. Heathens. The leaveners mainly consist of peanut butter and congealed lactose, and the “meat” of the cookie is added after the heating process so I imagine it resembles the consistency of undercooked oatmeal and–what about this is appetizing again? I really don’t see the thrall of this recipe unless you’re desperate for a mediocre ball of gruel, or if you don’t have an oven. I don’t know the scaling on this one, but it’s on par with the baking skills of an Easy-Bake Oven.

 

5. Ozark Pudding, an oddly named but charming little treasure to offset the horrors I’ve listed in this post. It’s simple, it’s delicate, the clipping has noted in the margins for how it is “small enough for dinner” and I’m absolutely charmed by its wear and stains– it was well loved. It’s just apples and meatless nuts beaten with other (normal) culinary staples, nothing weird or out of place. Refreshing. This rates a Bobby Flay all the way.