Yes. The pumpkin spice craze is upon us.

The screaming, nihilistic mass of Americans cried, “let there be pumpkin spice,” thus capitalism responded: pumpkin spice lattes. Pumpkin spice Poptarts. Pumpkin spice- scented candles. Pumpkin spice chapstick, pumpkin spice body spray, pumpkin spice dog treats– would you believe me if I told there was even a pumpkin spice-scented interior car spray? I’m sickened. Absolutely disgusted. This is damn-near zealous; we’ve created a seasonal (cult)ure devoted to inoculating perfectly good things with a violent strain of unrelated spices in hopes of making them all as indulgent as pumpkin pie.

 
And I’m not saying we failed, necessarily. I just think ubiquity is a poor measure of success as can be seen in the selections– as in I can douse myself in pumpkin spice-scented essential oils and massage into my skin the essence of dead vegetation, or I can not, because why would I want to? Unless, of course, there’s a subculture that’s into that, and let me by no means stop them from doing what makes them happy. But for the majority of us, let’s acknowledge the obsession for what it is: over-the-top.

 
But wait! The oxymoronic forces of “mindful eating” and Pumpkin Spice Season™ descend from the world of trending triviality into an entropic state of struggle. Or maybe not, decrees an editor from the online magazine Wisconsin State Farmer, delivering salvation from the tomes of back-of-the-box recipes! This article illustrates the festive gourd as a “bright orange orb” as if the author is skeptical of the existence of such produce, and perhaps has never actually seen a pumpkin before, but nevertheless continues more confidently by vaguely boasting its “nutrients and vitamins.” Yes, pumpkin, a vegetable, is nutritious and healthy. But the 3 cups of sugar and one cup of oil accompanying it ISN’T! Bitter is not a flavor often associated with pumpkin spice-flavored things, and that’s not because pumpkins are naturally, titillatingly sweet (they aren’t). There’s an earthy flavor to the grounded vegetable that is cultivated and toned when roasted, much like its seeds– which are also nutritious in controlled amounts. But I honestly can’t imagine that 2 cups of pumpkin can withstand the sugar, oil, and an additional 3 1/2 cups of flour diluting its flavor.

 
Generally speaking, this could be chalked up to my extreme disapproval of a trivial trend. You can probably find any one of these recipes on a pantry can of pumpkin, as old and traditional as Betty Crocker herself. But the merit to my mockery is the fact that this article explicitly markets itself as being healthy when the first ingredient of the first recipe already contains more sugar than you should consume in a week. Personally, I was expecting hearty substitutions with pumpkin as the main ingredient, maybe some unique twists on classic recipes that replace a less healthy carb with pumpkin. But, alas, I am but another of the many victims claimed by clickbait, a classic villain of the world wide web. There are plenty of articles like this that tag themselves as ‘healthy alternatives’ to ride out the pumpkin spice-season hype train, all I’m saying is if you’re going to succumb to the trend anyway, just be mindful of labels.

And that not everything is better with pumpkin spice.